fantail

Hi there,

This is kind of an odd question but I've received so much great support on SR that it was my first thought to come here.

So I'm an alcoholic, sober three months. My dad was sober throughout my life, now drinks on very rare occasions but is largely sober. The reason for that wasn't his own alcoholism but his father's, who was a functioning but violent alcoholic. My mother's drinking was normal to rare.

The complicating factor is my sister. For various reasons, relating to her health at birth, she had a lot of emotional issues as a kid. Still does but she's become a mostly stable adult. But as a kid, she had a lot of trouble understanding people around her and would frequently get overwhelmed and go into these crazy rages. I've since then been around raging drunks and it was pretty similar. When she gets like this, it's like she isn't there. It's just the wall of pain and anger flying at you at full volume. Usually without much warning. I had cracks in my bedroom door from her trying to break it down. Babysitters would quit, friends would go away, etc.

Well, for a reason totally unrelated to my family, I looked today at an article about adult children of alcoholics. And it was this little checklist about common traits, and it described me. Like, pretty much every single item.

I've known for a long time that growing up with her damaged me on some level, because I've dated many emotionally abusive men and one physically abusive man and I just don't seem to realize it until it's too late. And also, my father and I seem to have the same cocktail of issues... I mostly attributed it to genetics, but sometimes he would specifically point out things that he thought came from being around his dad, and I would realize I felt the same from my sister.

But... now I'm just totally shaken. It was kind of similar, now that I think about it. We were constantly on eggshells. Out of nowhere everything would go wrong and everyone would be fighting or crying etc. I could never predict when it was going to happen or in front of who. It's still kind of like that and unfortunately it's usually at times that are stressful for her, so probably stressful for me as well (e.g. reblended family events). I have to drop everything and keep her from hurting herself or lashing out at people in ways that she'll regret. Or I get angry and fight back which makes everything worse, and then I feel horribly guilty afterwards for the things that I say.

Sorry this is so long. I know this isn't about a parent. But I guess I don't know what to do. It's so complicated because it isn't her fault. She's not a bad person. She's not even an addict. She was born this way and I know she suffers for it.

How do you put your life together when your internal compass is off? Reading that article just opened up this floodgate in me. I'm so sorry for the long post... but please if anyone has any advice about where I go from here, I would really appreciate it.