Day 1 again.
The marriage issues changed. The trust I had in him was broken. I focused too much on micro managing his life. Ego and self centeredness. I drank to get revenge on him. I lied to my kids and then told the truth the next day. I drank again that night when they went to bed. Shame, remorse for me being a psychotic wife, fear of change. Fear of following through a divorce, fear or the truth I was trying so hard to obtain from him. I knew it was coming. I didn't stop it. And I drank myself into a situation that fortunately will pass. Impending doom is how I feel right now. I'm exhausted and scared again, but I'm not drinking. I have spent a majority of the last 6+ months sober. This is my second relapse. This is hopefully my last relapse. I don't know if I could have another recovery in me.
I spent quite a lot of time with my sponsor today and I finally understand that I don't have to make a decision today in regards to divorce. I took the option off the table until I have a year of sobriety. Today I am grateful for recovery options and I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to still have the option to work on my marriage. I have a lot to work on.
I just wanted to share, because maybe I can help someone with my story.