So, on Wedensday of last week my mom confided in me that she is having some tests run (biopsy) because they found a mass in her stomach. I have been a wreck in my head ever since. This weekend my sober BF was out of town (actually he left Wednesday and is gone for another week or so) and my daughter was at a sleepover/ church thing.
My beast has taken this as an opportunity to attack... Thursday night- (whisper) "How about a drink?". Friday night- (louder) "Lets have a drink". Saturday night- (sly but persistant) "Come on when are you going to have this opportunity again. BF gone, daughter gone. No-one will even know. Go buy a bottle... drown your sorrows and then start over. After all your mom is sick. You have good reason". And last night- (Screaming) " Get up go get a bottle and they (BF and daughter) can f- off if they dont like it. It isn't thier mother who may die after all. They dont understand. Sure a drink will have consenquences because you cant just have one... BUT, who cares. For a few hours you will not be "in your head". You will not be worried, scared or, so overwhelmingly sad."
I stood looking at all the beers in the grocery store for a long time. Fancy, happy, summery beers. I thought about the alcohol content of each. "Just a 6 pack wouldn't be so bad but, it would need to be a 6-pack of something strong". Then I thought none of those beers would do anyway... law in my state is that 3.2% beer is sold in the grocery store. I remembered that the liquor store sells a beer that is 9% abv. Left the grocery store and then drove home...
I sat on my sofa and thought about what life would be like without my mom. No more morning phone calls just to say hi and most importantly no longer having the one person who will love you "right or wrong" in the world. I live 3000 miles away from my mom but, we are and always have been really close. I was overwhelmed with fear and sadness but, I didn't cry. Just sat and accepted that I was sad.
I didn't drink. I'm sure most of you quit reading a while ago and I am not even sure what my point is. Am I telling on myself because I plan on drinking or am I just kind of lost? Idk.