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Old 05-18-2013, 10:32 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
RobbyRobot
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
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Originally Posted by HuskyPup View Post
Part of it is that I really love the feeling of being buzzed and listening to music...it seems to make it feel so much broader, especially certain music. It's hard to explain.

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I'm sorry to sound all wound up. It's just hard. I try. I try really hard, and feel like such a worthless failure.

No need to explain, for me anyways. I get the loving of the feelings of being buzzed. Back in my day, I loved doing LSD with vodka while lazily smoking grass / hash through a water-pipe. Days and nights strung out blurred into a seemingly single timeless experience. Loving those times was a definite roadblock in successfully quitting. In fact, I was really doing myself in (dying) even though I had a love for the experiences.

It's the addiction which does us in, not the surreal experiences, speaking for myself anyways. I don't regret my alcohol / drug trips. Even the downers and crashes have a place in my past experiences which make up a significant part of me today, even after decades of abstinence.

It really became a matter of survival for me. No matter how much I loved tripping, my dying for it was too much of a price to pay. I learned to hate myself even more when I discovered my quitting was being sidelined by my addiction ambivalence struggles. The love/hate thing was really jamming me up. For me anyways, I required ton's of introspection to eventually figure out how quitting could work for me. Cookie-cutter one-size-fits-all simply doesn't work for me. I also don't believe it works for anyone else either, but that's a different conversation, lol.

I was living a sham life while using. All my efforts for self-control were useless as long as I bought into my love for being high. I really needed to understand how my quality of life was zero because I was being controlled by my addictions.

And even that is a kind of mind-***-game, because my addictions could only control me by my first believing that I was actually in control while drunk with my DOC alcohol. Ignoring the costs of my abuse made it easier to abuse.

I am fortunate my addiction abuse ended at an early age. I started age 12, and was toasted by 24 years young. Haven't looked back since. Being addiction free of alcohol / drugs rocks.

My eventual hatred for my addiction ambivalence struggles is what set me up to successfully quit for good and all. Those horrific struggles really helped me understand the core of intimate dishonesty I held within myself and my drunken lifestyle. I was clearly deluded and naïve. A kind of slow-suicide was really what was going on. How sad that I found selfish enjoyment in too many of those intoxicated experiences

Anyways.

Take a look at the other side of those good-times, and I'm sure you already know without being otherwise told what the sum conclusion of looking at both sides of your addiction struggles eventually have come to cost you. The writing is on the wall, and the math is obvious.

Feeling like a failure is a cost which you can't really afford anymore, I'm suggesting I suppose. For me, addiction failure became equated with dying from the inside out. Failure is an old friend of mine. I've learned to take my failures in stride, and build my successes on the life-experiences of my past times good, bad, and indifferent.

You can make a difference in your own life, HuskyPup. Really, you can. It begins and ends with YOU. Failure can be turned around. Victory is a real choice that YOU can absolutely go forward with, and not look back ever again at having to get buzzed.

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