Your words ring so true for so many. Although the exact details differ for each the story line is so true for many. Just as you, I have fought with one type of addiction or multiple addictions all through out my life. The one place where my story diverges from yours is the use of pharmaceuticals to help calm the beast.
I once saw a therapist and he asked me why alcohol was so alluring to me. My only way to convey the feeling to him was to compare the feeling of drinking to the Pink Floyd song "Comfortably Numb". Alcohol just seemed to always quiet things in my head so that I didn't have to think for just a few hours. Fast forward now 3 years from that therapist visit and I am now 41. I finally admitted to myself and everyone around me that I had problems with dealing with life on daily basis. I am a white male in the south so this holds a sort of taboo but that was the first step on my road to recovery. I spoke with my doctor about my problems and he started me on a daily dosage of Celexa and things have been all up hill from that point.
The use of this drug has calmed all of my stress/rage/anxiety/depression to the point where I finally see how others around me live a normal life. Now that I have calmed these problems I see where I have always had problems my entire life with some sort of chemical imbalance. My answer to the problem was to use alcohol/drugs as a quick fix to calm my demons. The use of Celexa for 6 months has allowed me to slow down my addictions to the point where I am now 7 days sober and really not having issues with any type of cravings.
I know there are so many that say anti-depressants are the incarnation of Soma from "Brave New World" but I truly believe there are those out there that have hormonal issues that drive the need for the drugs. In years gone by, these same people would have either been in a mental institute, committed suicide and just continued on with addiction to the point of dying at an early age. Anti-depressants aren't the answer for all but they have changed my life so drastically I can't imagine how they are so bad.
Good luck to you in your journey and I hope you find the peace you so desperately seek. My intention of this post was not to offend or stir up a debate but I felt it prudent to share what I have discovered was a major issue of my addiction. Only through sharing my experiences do I truly grow and evolve.