I would go back and read your old posts, MLC. Then try to think of some of the positives instead of all of the negatives that are swirling around your head. No more incomprehensible posts. No more leaving your husband worrying and coming home from work to watch the brood while you pass out. No more fear of getting caught snorting pills in the public park. No more fear of running out of your regimented dose before you could get a refill. No more spending all of your time and energy into maintaining an absolute feeling of numbness. Yes, you may be spending a lot of time and energy into feeling 'normal' right now, but it will go away. So many years wasted trying/wanting/being wasted... If you focus on some of the brighter things, maybe the temporary feelings that you have right now won't seem so bad.