Turnz505

Hey, my name is Chuck and I am alcoholic. I am 24 years old. I don't want to bore you with my life story or why I'm here, as most of you already know why but heres a run down..

I've been drinking since age 13. I had black outs in highschool, got in fights, went to rehab four times and was put on probation. I did a combined total of 23 months in rehab/juvenile facilities and was expelled from my high school, and was also kicked out of the alternative learning center because I was so hungover in class I refused to do any work. So age 16, already a highschool dropout, I turned to selling drugs.. My dad put a lease on an apartment, bought me a used car and my godfather gave me a job at furniture warehouse hoping I would succeed and refrain from using..

well, I wrecked the car within months and got my first DUI, sold drugs out of my apartment and was evicted after excessive partying and a police raid, lost my job after being apprehended for four felony drug charges. I had a baby boy on the way and was facing being certified as an adult for three to four years. I was two months away from eighteen and received an 8 month sentence in juvenile medium security jail. My baby was born Dec. 13th, 2006 and I wasn't there for it. As ****** as that was, I was very lucky. My life would be very different had I gone to prison. Maybe for the better?

Six years later after being released at age 18, I have had little sobriety, but have been in the program several times due to hitting bottom again and again. I would show up feeling like extreme **** about my life, sober up, feel that I could drink again and go back out. Again, and again.. Since my family basically gave up on me I was travelling drunk working jobs across the southwest and none of these jobs ended on good terms. I was constantly hungover, and would usually just stop showing up when I got into a long and hard binder. I would then go to another city or state only to scam the next potential employer into giving me a job, always ending with me screwing them over because I was drunk.

I found AA a few times, once in Vail Colorado and had a great network of support and a great job, I made it a week before I started drinking again. There was no reason for me to relapse.. Things were actually getting better. I had an excellent sponsor and new friends and I was snowboarding every day. Once, I went to the liquor store, called a friend in the program after trying to fight the urge, he came to pick me up and we went and watched movies with some sober kids and he took me to two meetings back to back.. Brought me home, told me to call him if I had any more urges and told me he believed in me and that I was doing great. Within minutes of getting out of his car I was pounding beers with my ski 'buddies', after all it was my reward and MY right since I had made it seven days!

I started right where I left off and drank nearly a case a day, woke up feeling extremely terrible and remorseful and promised myself that day was the day. Well, I've had literally hundreds of last days because by the time the liquor store opened I was buying 40s and 6 packs and shooters. I was absolutely miserable. It got to the point where I wasn't having fun anymore, hardly got a buzz, and my only chance of happiness was a 5-10 minute euphoria after slamming a 24 oz or taking a shot of whiskey in the morning. I haven't really stopped since then and that was about two months ago..

Well, now I am in Alaska (I scammed another job after getting a good reference in Vail, only to get drunk and never to show up again to the lift department) and I am working the summer at a wilderness lodge with my girlfriend in the Kenai peninsula. Probably one of the coolest, most wildest places I have ever been to. When I got here I was miserable and didn't appreciate the fact that I was looking at breathtaking beauty all around me, glaciers, oceans and mountains.. in fact all I was thinking about was having my next beer. I got my sixpack, gave one to my girlfriend and was damn near finished with my five before she even finished hers. That was sunday evening.

Something happened inside of me monday morning when I realized I can't do this anymore. I can't scam and drink my way through life, this is my last chance, and now that the "good times" are finally over. Okay, maybe it's the fact that I'm in the middle of f**cking nowhere Alaska, broke, with no liquor store. It's like I'm completely cut off. But the anxiety I have been feeling these past few days is killing me. I can barely even recognize myself as if I've lost my own identity. I talk different, The first few days I couldn't even look at someone in the face when they speak to me. This is bad as I am in a highpaced kitchen job and don't have alcohol to calm my nerves. I always feel like I'm being watched, and am afraid to interact with people I don't trust which at this point is nearly everyone.

The paranoia.. and regret of my entire life wasted is unbearable. I have a six year old son who thinks I'm only the guy that comes to hang out with him once every couple of months or even years. He calls my ex finacee's boyfriend dad, and as painful as it is right now I have to accept that. I can't believe what I've come to and believe I don't deserve this job in Kenai. If I f**ck this up it's all over. I have nearly destroyed my entire life, and if I continue that life I might as well be comitted.

I am grateful to have made it four days. I must say it is getting better, but the anxiety is becoming almost unbearable to the point where I think the only way out of this shitstorm mindf**k is suicide.. these are just thoughts though and I don't intend to act on them. I just want to be normal, like I thought I was when I had a good buzz on and actually felt good about my piece of s**t life and could talk to people and actually seem genuinely interested in conversation. I thought things were good when I was drinking, now that I stopped I realized I'm just a paranoid, ex junkie freak with a mental disorder.

Anyway, sorry for the long post and I hope there may be some veterans of this horrific disease with some time under their belt, or even people going through what I'm going through, who may be able to shed some light on why I feel this way.. advice or insight, your own story, whatever it may be, I would be greatly appreciative, thank you for your time of day to read this it means everything..