Welcome! First off, you're not alone in facing this. We've been where you are. There is a way to get to a better place than you are now. There is hope!
When I came here 7 months ago my life was a train wreck. I maintained the appearance of normalcy but my life was a nightmare I seemingly couldn't wake from. Back then I was drinking three bottles of wine every nite, 7/365. Minimum 21 bottles just as a baseline and more if it was a "special occasion." And of course a special occasion was any day I knew I could get away with more (eg. day before my day off or if I had the chance to get an early start).
As much as I drank I feared quitting cold turkey could be fatal, and I worried that I was so physiologically dependent of booze that I might need something like Antabuse to stop. What I found was AVRT. I encourage you to google it was I'm not allowed to link to it. The material is free and can be studied in half an hour. That half an hour might change your life, save your life.
I made my Big Plan right then and there. I decided I was never going to drink again and that I'd never change my mind. It's been seven months now and I haven't had a drop. Most shocking to me, I had no withdrawals at all and virtually no cravings. In the end I think my body and soul had had enough of being drunk all the time, and I was ready to lay down the heavy burden of booze that carried like a cross for the last 25 years.
Maybe AVRT is for you. But if not, try something else. So long as you're alive, you can change. You know the great thing about right now? It's always now! We live perpetually in the only time that gives us a chance to control our lives.
Welcome to SR! It's a great community and there's always someone here for you. I hardly recognize the shambling mess I used to be, and hopefully in a few months you can look back and say the same thing.