Enough?
I am writing in the hopes for some guidance on communication with my boyfriend regarding what i believe is a problem with alcohol.
My boyfriend is 30 years old, stable job, takes care of himself physically. I am 29, and we have been together 4 years. We've gone through some rocky patches in our time together, but this most recent issue has me seriously contemplating if enough is just enough already. I love him, and want to be with him, but I am wondering if there is anything worth salvaging at this point or if I would be damaging myself to even try. Let me explain.
My boyfriend doesn't drink often, but when he does, he really makes it count. He frequently blacks out and loses large chunks of whole evenings, and spends the entire next day recovering in bed, and he is also a different person (never, ever abusive, but moreso ambivalent to my presence and loud, sometimes rude, and cares only about what he wants). When we first met years ago, before we started dating, I'll admit to the same occasional college bender myself...but at this point, I now drink only casually/socially, while he still hits it hard when he goes out with friends. His friends are also all the same, and all enable each other by being the same...they still think it's funny, as 30 year old men, to get blackout drunk and fill each other in with the missing pieces of their night. By this point, I am bothered by it.
A few months ago, my boyfriend was out of town with his friends for an annual gathering which involves - you guessed it - a giant four day bender. Every year this happens. This year, my partner got so smashed I'm fairly certain he had alcohol poisoning. He called on Sunday from 2 1/2 hours away, asking me to come get him because he was too hungover and feeling terribly to drive the next day, and he was considering admitting himself to the hospital. At first, I flat out refused, but after (literally) 6 hours and him still not feeling better, I'm sorry to admit I did go get him. On the way home we talked a lot about this issue, and he voluntarily stated "This is a new low for me, I'm not proud of myself, I have to change". I was, unfortunately, very proud of this statement from him and hoped it was a new leaf. In the next couple of weeks/months things were really good. We even have an "at home therapy" game which we played a few times...one of his questions asked what he needed to change in his life at this moment to improve it. He responded, "My drinking. I have to work on that". Again, very encouraging.
Then, I was out of town three weekends ago. I came back Sunday to a moderately hungover boyfriend on the couch, he'd been out pretty much all weekend with one of the worst and most persuasive of his "friends". Stupidly, I didn't confront him on this at that time. This last weekend takes the cake though...we'd had very tentative at home dinner plans Saturday night, when he decided he was going to go to a friend's house instead for a game. I asked if we could just have a nice late dinner instead, and his response was "well I don't know what I'll be doing later". Well, I'm no dummy, I know what that means. I was angry, and got a little emotional asking him what happened to his vow to work on his drinking when I knew he was going to go out and get drunk tonight. His response was irritated, he scoffed and said "Thanks", as though he couldn't believe I didn't have faith in him to control his drinking. Well, he went out, and tied a good one on. While he was out, his father had tried to reach him and learned he was out drinking; he then called me and was talking all sorts of drastic measures, such as intervention and family meetings...I honestly don't think either would be effective on my boyfriend. When he finally got home, he was nearly fall down wasted. I was angry, and asked what was wrong with him, he responded, "It's my life, and my choice". He spent all of the next day, except four hours, in bed, noticeably hungover. We haven't spoken in four days now, because I am so angry and upset with him, and it's always me to fix things or initiate discussions, while he waits for things to boil over. He knows I'm very upset, as he's tried to engage me in casual conversation several times but I've been pretty unresponsive.
I know this isn't the way to handle this, but I am at a loss. I don't understand how he can know and recognize he has a problem, and then blatantly disregard this and make the same mistakes, over and over again. I guess I don't really know what I'm looking for from this site, other than a cyber-shoulder. I am at a loss, and any insight is greatly appreciated.
Thanks very much for listening.