Good morning,
I'm new posting to this site but have been reading many posts over the past few weeks as I've been dealing with my own situation and looking for some relief and understanding. I thought I would share my story here as well with the hope of gaining some understanding and possible relief from some of the pain I'm feeling...so here it goes.
I'm a 45 year old woman who has spent the past 7 years in a relationship with my high functioning alcoholic boyfriend. He has a great job, makes twice as much as I do, and can pretty much do anything he wants. As for myself I have a career of 19 years with good retirement and I'm working on getting an advanced degree, have a great support system, and even will all of that I'm miserable. A few weeks ago my now ExBF came to me after having gone away for a few days skiing and apparently smoking some weed and in doing so, had an ephinany" and said that he did not think we were right for each other any longer and that if he wanted to come home and drink he would and that he was just going to live his life the way he wanted to. He no longer wanted to have a child with me (we had tried IVF last year) and that our relationship had not been working for the past few years and that while I was feeling blindsided by this it is something he has been dealing with for a while.
The history of our relationship is that when we got together 7 years ago he was drinking daily and heavily about which he lied to me but I figured out over time. I stayed with him for about a year afterwhich I broke it off one night b/c I could not deal with the drinking, nasty comments, negative attitude, and anger (verbal) that he was demonstrating all of the time. We broke up for about six months during which time I relocated across the city (we were not living together at this time). About six months into our breakup he came looking for me hard. He was calling me, driving by my old apartment, and apparently tellling his friends he had made a huge mistake by letting me go. I eventually gave in after those six months and we started talking and seeing each other again. This eventually led me to moving in with him now about 7 years ago. Prior to coming back I told him he had to work on the drinking and that I wanted to eventually get married and have kids. He told me he would and that he wanted the same thing. However, during the last seven years he never really stopped drinking. It was moderated and hidden from me many times but in reality he never stopped and never thought he needed a program. He has 2 DUI's and some financial issues as well as an ex-wife that he did not finalize the divorce with until about 7 months ago at the urging of one of his friends. It was after that when I really started pushing to get married and told him so. I gave him a deadline of June to propose and the idea of having kids was still on the table. He drinks Vodka, Johnny Walker, and other things he can mix with juice. He drinks when he gets home, usually staying in the bathroom for an hour or so at a time with the door locked saying he was reading his book coming down from work. He has gotten drunk the past two X-Mas's at my families home all by himself, he has nodded off at dinner in restaurants when we've been out with friends and when by ourselves, he has gotten so drunk at or before we go out to dinner that he has forgotten to pay at restaurants, I've left him at the table when out to dinner many times becasue of his behavior and drinking, he has said things to me like "do you know what I've given up for you", "I'm the best thing that ever happened to you", "You're going to miss out on so much in life that I have to offer you if you leave me", and he has made comments about finding other women attractive in front of me, including how sexually aroused he is all of the time and how if I did not satisfiy him there were women standing in line and that he could choose whomever he wanted.
Having said all of that he has also been very sweet, supportive, and kind during those 7 years. He is smart, funny, and can be very interesting and loved to show and introduce me to new things in the world. We've taken some great ski trips with friends, he has introduced me to his family on the East Coast, and really brought me into his world of interests and activities. This was great b/c before I met him I really didn't have a lot of that going on in my life. He said for a long time that I was his girl and that he saw us growing old together.
I've tried everything during our relationship to make this work. I spoke with him out of love and concern about his drinking, plead, begged, solicited help from his friends and family, went to couples counseling, threatened to leave, left, came back, argued, placated, drank with him, cried, had anxiety attacks, but nothing worked. He just hid if from me more and more. He said before we broke up that he did not want to drive home anymore and see my car there because he just wanted to be able to come into the house and have a drink if he wanted to and that he didn't want to fight about it with my anymore. He told me that over the time we've been together I'd become controlling. I don't deny that but I also know I became that way b/c of what I was living with in terms of his behavior and my depleting self-worth and self-esteem. At some point I went into survival mode and really felt like I had no other option but to fight to save this relationship because we had spent 7 years together, shared a home (rented) and had a life together. I also have tremendous fear of being alone for the rest of my life and at age 45 not ever getting married or having a family of my own now. So, I stayed and the arguing and fighting became worse. I became intolerant and critical a lot of the time and I even tried some detaching. Nothing seemed to work and when I tried to walk away from him when he was drunk, just drinking, or just being mean he would follow me upstairs and keep coming at me verbally until I snapped. There were times we became physical with one another (so not proud of that) but honestly I felt so beaten down that at the time it felt like I was just fighting fire with fire and somehow,while not justifable, it seemed necessary at the time. So, about 2 weeks ago after his latest binge and tellling me things like he needed space, time alone, didn't want to be with anyone, oh and leading me to believe he might be cheating on me by being on his phone texting and talking to someone at random hours of the night during that last week (which he eventually denied and said he was just making me believe he was cheating on me and he was sorry for that and really didn't know why) I left one night stayed at the hotel with our dog and rented an apartment the next day where I signed an 11 month lease. I'm finally out of house as all of my things were moved as of last Friday.
I wake up every morning with dread. Hard to go to work and to focus on completing what I need to for school. I keep thinking about all that I've lost in this and how he has totally disgarded me, thrown me to the side, and the feelings of rejection are intolerable most of the time. I'm in therapy 2 times a week (have been going for a while) and I'm planning on attending a women's Al Anon Group.
I'm open to any comments or suggestions and I know I need to look at my part in this. God the pain is awful most of the time and so any advice, support, or insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading
