The constant relapsing for me back when became a horrible proof of my complete disdain for myself. I would drink to wash away caring feelings and end up just feeling like I didn't care about myself or anyone else. Drunk, not caring, I felt honest with myself. Alcoholic insanity at its worst.
At least drunk, I had some peace inside myself for a time, some sense of happiness. I was pretty sure I was gonna die as a useless drunk at 24. I really didn't care enough to care.
I also hated being drunk because I wasn't in control, couldn't function, had no power, no direction home. My hatred for being drunk is what saved me. Dying that way was just so pathetic, so beneath me. My hatred for alcohol and drunkenness helped me quit. Tapping into all that really kept me doing the next right thing to not drink again. Eventually I stayed sober to be sober, but not until weeks later did I start to care about being sober.
So perhaps you too can tap into your ambivalence. Make it work for you. I'm sure you'll get on the right side of not drinking, Paul. I'm sure you'll quit, and quit for good and all. I believe in YOU!
Take it easy.