Desire
Oh God,*
It is said to let go and let God. I have been struggling with my addiction to wine/champagne for way too long now. I have quit countless times, only to be lured back by the oaky, buttery taste of a good Chardonnay, thinking I can have just one, maybe 2 glasses. Next I know, the bottle is gone and I'm asleep on the couch.
I've pleaded wIth God to help me drink responsibly. I've begged Him to help me. Nothing has worked. This addiction is so causing friction in my marriage. K. hates it when I drink. Why can't I stop for him. I love him and promised I would do anything for him. Why can't I do this?
Because I want to not quit completely; but I guess it's the only way. I really wish God would help me out here. I am desperate. But....
Desperate enough to quit completely? My resolution fades in proportion to the time since my last inebriation. I begin to believe I can moderate. I think, "God, You are helping me". Only to fall once again to the lure of my Chardonnay and too much of it.
I need the strength to do what it takes to beat this addiction. I need the DESIRE to do whatever it takes to be the wife K. deserves. He deserves better than what I am giving him.
I didn't think I was self-centered, but actually I am. I just realized this this morning. It came to me when I was thinking about our lawn and my selfish "want" to have sod put in. I was so petty about the whole thing. I want to apologize to K., but not sure how - or if it would just start another argument. I must start differentiating needs vs wants....and act ONLY on the needs, which are not many.*
I thank SR for letting me vent.