Hope and fear
Well, here I am... feeling at the same time helpless but hopeful.
It was only yesterday that I read the terms "PAWS" for the first time. I did a little research and found soberrecovery. I liked the way everyone shares their experiences, the respectful way of interaction so much, that I wanted to be part of this community.
I drank for a long time, either vodka or cognac. When Mom died after a long illness in 2011, and I ramped consumption up; then when my husband - an alcoholic as well - died suddenly last May it was "all over but the cryin'" as the saying goes. One bottle of cognac per day, as documents and bills piled up, some of the envelopes unopened, the apartment unkempt. Then came the news that our company will be closed because it is being moved to another country.
Most likely I would have kept on drinking, although I knew I had a huge problem. My abdomen was distended, I felt and looked lousy, there was so much shame attached to my drinking that I let old friendships die. I never had drinking buddies, only drank at home, alone.
Then I caught cold and went to the family doctor. She took my BP, and it was 200/100. She looked at me and asked about my alcohol consumption. That was the moment I realized there was no use in hiding it any longer. It was actually a freeing moment to say out loud "I'm an alcoholic, please help me" as tears came to my eyes.
I went to a 10-day detox at the end of March. So far I feel fine, but worry about possible relapse, especially as unemployment looms ahead. At my age, I have little chances on the employment market, being only a few years away from retirement. On the other hand, unemployment benefits here for people my age last two years, and then I hope to be able to take early retirement. So, the loss of the high-pressure job may be a blessing in disguise by giving me the freedom to take care of myself in the peace of the apartment (now clean), no overtime hours, no work-related calls on the weekend.
Sorry for going on like that, but it feels so good to be able to put my thoughts on the table.