View Single Post
Old 05-11-2013, 06:29 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
EverHopeful721
Member
 
EverHopeful721's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by butterfly2013 View Post
It's making me examine some painful things.

When HE was done, he was satisfied and that's all that mattered to him. Looking back on this, it makes me so sad and I get angry at myself for allowing this behavior to even happen. Then I don't know why I got sad when he stopped desiring me, even though it was clear he was selfish in bed and it wasn't even that great.

I'm still working on forgiving myself, becoming more assertive, and loving myself enough and building more emotional maturity so that this never happens again.
I agree, butterfly. This thread has hit on some things that have been bothering me for the last few weeks....

Since my XA apparently only ever wanted me for sex, the issue wasn't that he didn't want to have sex with me. But he was also very selfish when it came to sex, it was always about what he wanted, when and how he wanted it. And the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that he has some sort of sexual dysfunction, either from something in his past or from the years of drug/alcohol abuse.

For starters, sex was always pretty 'rough,' and a lot of times it was a little TOO rough - it would usually take me a couple of days to 'recover' from sex, and the bruises would take about a week to fade. He had 'performance issues' when it came to regular sex, and would only be able to 'maintain' when I was 'servicing' him, which is what he always wanted 99% of the time. Several times, he watched porn during it. And when he WOULD make an attempt at pleasing me, it would be a few minutes of, again, a 'rough' attempt, and then he'd ask in an annoyed tone, "Are you done yet??" To which I would quickly reply yes and then get right back to pleasing him. And I swear, one night, I felt sure he was going to choke me during it....he brought his hands up to my throat, and kept them there, gently probing around, but never applied any pressure. I'm not saying he was going to kill me, he probably was thinking about doing that erotic asphyxiation...but I'm glad he never took it any further.

And like you, I'm working on forgiving myself for allowing myself to be treated like that and continuing to go back for more. I can't believe I was so desperate for his love and attention that I let him do whatever he wanted to me, because in my majorly messed-up mind, the only thing that mattered was his pleasure, his happiness, and I was willing to do whatever it took to give it to him. I truly believed if I could make him happy with whatever he wanted or needed from me, which was sex, that he would then love me. It terrifies me to see how deeply my codependency issues run, to the point of not valuing myself enough to walk away from someone who was so obviously using and degrading me as a sex object. I feel very stupid and very ashamed....and I realize that I need to do some serious work on myself so that I never allow this to happen again.
EverHopeful721 is offline