Wow, I have never thought very much about this before. It's making me examine some painful things.
When my AEX and I were together, we did not live together and we usually were not intimate that often. I rationalized it because we each lived with our parents, and my parents did not allow any boyfriends/girlfriends in the house while at his parents' house there were always about 6 of his family members there in a very tiny house.
When I became pregnant, he immediately lost ALL sexual interest in me. First he said he was "scared he would hurt the baby," but then after the baby was born he would say "I respect you too much to have sex with you." What does that even mean? I don't know why I held on. I would cry and ask why he didn't want to sleep with me anymore. Like typical codependent behavior, I thought it was because I was bad in bed or because my body was unattractive after the birth. He said he did want me, and that we would sleep together "soon," but it simply never happened. During this time, he would also say, "Oh, well bitches get used to sex, but I don't give it to them all the time because then they get used to it." He was telling me to my face how controlling and unhealthy he was about sex, so WHY WHY WHY did I hang on?? Why didn't I realize I deserved better??
I was devastated when I found out he was cheating on me this entire time with another woman. I felt like I failed to keep our family with our son intact, that I failed him as a partner because he didn't want to sleep with me, so of course that must be why he left. I was very confused and very hurt.
But even the times we did sleep together, he wasn't even that great in bed. When HE was done, he was satisfied and that's all that mattered to him. Looking back on this, it makes me so sad and I get angry at myself for allowing this behavior to even happen. Then I don't know why I got sad when he stopped desiring me, even though it was clear he was selfish in bed and it wasn't even that great.
I'm still working on forgiving myself, becoming more assertive, and loving myself enough and building more emotional maturity so that this never happens again.