Good point Natty. I guess that's what I was doing. The whole stream if conscious with my step writing and expecting my sponsor to figure it out for me and give me guidance. I am figuring a lot I this stuff out now and seeing some I it for what it is. Awfully close to smokin a doobie and saying **** it and **** em. I can do it on my own. Becuase it feels that ive had to anyway. at times i feel better and feel that i dont need to anything to anybodyband im not sure ive ever really done recovery for myself. Nor do i know yet what that may look like. But i feel like it would be chasing down my ambitions and my dreams, and i feel that i can do that while smoking pot. Its just that the only people i now know are those in recovery and is feel extremely uncomfortable and guilty now where i to try to retain the friendships while smoking pot because i know theu wouldn approve and say that in not living my life the right way. **** em. I'm tired of trying to live up to other people's expectations. I really don't know if this is right but it is how I feel.