Nervous About First Post
Hi all,
First, let me apologize for this lengthy post. I feel like its pretty common for someone with a big problem they've been concealing to finally reveal it and just start gushing. They end up sharing so much information that the problem seems blown out of proportion and anyone listening has no hope of addressing all of the issues. However, I am a very insecure person and the thought that someone might misunderstand me is quite scary. So please tolerate my gushing, and I promise posts in the future will be much more succinct.
I have known I have a drinking problem for a long time but resisted doing anything about it. Well, that's not true. I have tried to white knuckle my way through sobriety a few times and lasted two months at the most, but usually my attempts are half-assed 36 hour commitments that last until I stop feeling hungover. When I was younger I attended a 3 day detox stint in a hospital, was discharged while I was still dizzy and had trouble walking straight, and was back to drinking within the week.
Let me explain my drinking habits a little bit: I am not a social drinker. I hate the pressure to pace myself around others, and all the various distractions from drinking. Also, I know from experience that I will inevitably end up with regrets and subsequent awkward social interactions. So, I finish my day at work between 5-9 then go home and buy three 40s from the convenience store and drink alone in my apartment or on my terrace while sucking down a few packs of cigarettes. I usually don't remember going to sleep and wake up looking at spilled packages of food or confusing stains that I don't want to ponder too much. I don't like letting people into my apartment because it is a scary hovel of neglect and demanding questions that most people are too polite to ask but not too polite to talk about behind my back. So, by every definition or self test I've encountered, I am an alcoholic.
This is my dilemma: Alcohol is not ruining my life. I have a fantastic and fulfilling job that I am very good at. I get along really well with most of my coworkers. I have a loving and supportive family (Although they are mostly unaware of my drinking problems). I don't have friends to speak of, but that's ok. I don't really want them. I am socially satisfied with work friends. I have a beautiful and loving girlfriend that is fully aware of my problem. I only see her once or twice a week, though, and I do not drink on those days. I am happy, and I only feel scared when I extrapolate my future. So, why should I quit drinking? The answers are obvious: Because my habits are not sustainable. Because eventually it will impact my professional life. Because certainly my girlfriend's compassion is not infinite and eventually it will ruin our relationship, and I want a future with her. Because it damages my dignity. Because it will kill me (Blood tests have revealed an inflammation in my liver that I was taking medication for). But for some reason all of these obvious, logical reasons are not enough to sway me to stop. It is so easy to say, "Well, just tonight I'll drink," or "I'll quit later." I do want to stop. I want to live a life absent of hangovers and a croaky voice and moments of absentmindedness or inexplicable frustration and irritability at work. I just don't want to stop today. I guess I'm hoping airing my feelings will extricate me from my isolated bubble and responses from other people will help or force me to look at my situation more objectively and take mature action.
This is why I'm nervous about this post:
1) From reading the guidelines I can't tell if posts from users that haven't quit drinking or using yet are acceptable. I really don't want to be banned from a resource that looks valuable (And personally agreeable. I really like the mission statement and pillars of tolerance).
2) Embracing reality. I am moving away from my comfort zone by publicly acknowledging my problem. So, it is uncomfortable.
3) Hopelessness. I can't afford professional help, and I'm scared that public internet forums are a last-ditch or worse resort for people that don't have better options. I don't mean to be insulting, and I fully believe that this forum helps many people, but I have my inherent prejudices that I don't think would be helpful to hide.
So thank you for reading this lengthy introduction. Any insight or harsh slap in the face from reality would really be appreciated.