Stash, you will get a lot of help here straightening out your situation and others. I had to learn early on after floundering around for 2 years that there is a shite fairy directing our thoughts until we learn not to pay attention/listen to it. That's because our dis-ease is cunning, baffling and insidious. It wants to return the pain of drinking in a sneaky manner and finds many ways to do it. We need tools to overcome. BE WELL