Lonely you need a hug give yourself a hug. I can feel your pain the knot in the throat. This disappointment in yourself. I was a drinker but the substance if choice I suppose is irrelevant. Take care of yourself today nurture that person that is feeling so low. Keep writing and posting it will really help. I wandered around this site the first few weeks of sobriety too afraid to post. Like if I wrote and posted it would be real. But guess whst it is real.
There is something cathartic about writing to strangers we can't judge we've all been there and we don't know who the hell you are so let it out and you may find much needed support here.
Try and genuinely smile today! Think about the great things you have. Good luck