Baby Steps
I am 45 and have suffered from alcoholism and drug addiction for most of those years. 23 years ago I met my soul mate and partner in crime and we began a roller-coaster ride of a life together. The best of times and the worst of times. In recent years, the drug use subsided some but my alcohol use sporadically was an issue - but it was just alcohol, right?
My husband's use of "heavy" drugs also subsided except for the occassional slip. He did, however, begin using pain killers to reduce his chronic back pain. but that's just for the pain, right? We had a very passionate relationship, broke up probably 20 times in the 23 years.
We loved eachother deeply, but I just couldn't stand to live with him.
Two months ago, seemingly out of the blue, he overdosed on prescription pain killers and passed away leaving me and our 15 year old son stunned and alone. I truly didn't think he was having that big of a problem with them.
Now I am fighting with immense grief and guilt. It has opened my eyes to the part my alcoholism played in our relationship. I never saw the differences in my personality and perspective before. I made bad situations much worse and missed many opportunities to make things better.
Unfortunately, I cannot go back and change the past. And I continue to struggle with alcohol, though now I am just a "weekend warrior"
I will never be able to have a glass or two of wine with dinner like "normal" people and I will never be able to take back the horrible things I have said while under the influence. I just wish it never had this control over me.