Originally Posted by
pattyj 
I started with an eating disorder in middle school. I continued with the disorder and started taking diet pills in high school to stuff down all my emotions. High school was the beginning of alcohol and drugs for me. I went to outpatient in my early 20s for an eating disorder but didn't completely get well. Drugs and alcohol took over my life until I turned 30. I have never had the chance to learn how to express my feelings about anything. I did drugs and alcohol to mask al my emotions.
What I am getting at is, I have no idea what my personality is. I am like a little kid again. I am learning how to argue the right way, that I have all these opinions and I need to learn how to express them the right way. The emotional side of my brain is ridiculously young in a 30 year old's body.
Has anyone else had these experience? Not drinking is the first battle... the war has just begun in my head.
Hi Patty, I can relate to some of the things you describe. I have suffered from BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) since my early teens, coupled with binge drinking from 16 and onwards. I am now 31. I have spent most of my life trying to suppress difficult emotions and anxiety, not communicating my problems to others as I have been too ashamed or felt undeserving of support.
I sometimes feel confused regarding who I am, beyond my BDD or alcoholism, I've blamed these two for a lot of the problems in my life, unable to deal with the real underlying issue: negative patterns of thinking about myself that lead to destructive behaviours.
I sometimes feel disintegrated, split into several and conflicting persons, and unsure of what my "real" emotions are. I think both the BDD and the alcoholism are related to problems coping with the transition from childhood to adulthood, and especially womanhood, caused by difficult experiences before and during my early teens.
I too feel I sometimes revert to a childish behaviour and have difficulties understanding, interpreting, vocalising or even trusting my own feelings, a sort of emotional immaturity that stands in stark contrast to my ability to understand, describe and empathise with other people's emotions.
Yes, the "war" may just have begun, but at least by committing to sobriety we can create a stable and safe environment in which we can rediscover and learn to appreciate ourselves and our emotional lives. I am here if you want to talk! Hugs, S