A man cannot free himself from the past more easily than he can from his own body. ~André Maurois
Today is day 50 of my sobriety and I am 23 days away from my 25th birthday. Yes, I am a young gun however, at the rate I was going in the past, I never thought I would be seeing my 25th birthday.
I was on the edge of looking death in the face and I was okay with it; being another forgotten statistic.
Now...
As I sit here, I can say that I have had my good days, great, bad, and worse; even when the temptations are so strong ... I HAVE THE POWER TO CONTIUNE ON BEING IN SOBRIETY.
Temptations are all around me, yet I refuse to give into them as I have done in the past. May 8th, was a very HARD time for me. I was getting to comfortable and probably too confident in my sobriety. I was in the mind set where I felt if someone came around me was with a drink in their hand that I would be alright with it entirely.
I was once told to be cautious and on guard in the moment you feel you are okay, that is the moment it is easiest to give in.
I did not remember this statement until a couple days ago when an incident happened: May 8th I had to work late and as soon as I pulled into my apartment I noticed that my neighbors interior lights were on in the car. I knocked on the door and my neighbor yells through the door and what I heard was things falling on the ground, and slurs. My neighbor answers the door and was trashed. First reaction was fear... The apartment reeked of booze. I let this person know why I'm knocking on the door at this late of an hour, and in the process I ask for the keys to shut the lights off. My neighbor (in slurring words) says, "hold a minute ... where I PUT THEM'S KEYS!!!!!! Oh, hahahahah... They here are." And there this person goes, trips over their own feet. Finally, I get the keys, and this person follows me out and is talking to me, but basically screaming because they don't know how drunk they are. As I unlock the car, I open the door and another strong smell of booze comes from the vehicle. I get in the car and instantly I almost puke because of the smell. I had to shut the door and lock myself into the car to find out which interior light was on. I could not stand it. I had to find the light and get out quickly... I return the keys and head up stairs to my apartment and just sit there. I became irritated, sweaty, and angry. Not angry at my neighbor, but at myself. I looked at my neighbor and just thought, "wow ... That was me x 10 when I was drinking. How could I let myself get that way..." I ended up texting my Celebrate Recovery leader to let her know that I needed accountability; this is what I'm feeling. I instantly felt peace once she replied to my text: "Look at the bright side...doesn't this person look like a disaster? An absolute pitiful mess? Now look in the mirror... You look healthy, Strong, and ALIVE
You are doing great and I am proud of you!"
For those that are in their beginning stages of being sober, this is an encouragement for you and a complete reminder to myself that life can be what it is without looking into the bottom of an empty bottle. There is renewal and a fresh beginning even for the worse of us who believe there is no way out. Keep pressing forward.
What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now. ~Author Unknown