Sobreia

Hi all,

11 days sober and have been doing well this time around, learning from past mistakes and feeling more calm and secure in my sobriety.

After having lived abroad for years I moved back home a couple of weeks ago, since I couldn't manage by myself anymore, dealing with a number of issues out of which binge drinking was a big problem. I decided I wanted to commit to recovery, properly, and that I needed my family close in order to do so.

I am now staying with my mother and her husband, as I don't trust myself at the moment living on my own. I am close to my mother, but it is a complex relationship. I won't go into any details, it is a long story, but what I am struggling with at the moment is the fact that she does not handle alcohol well. Like me, she doesn't know when to stop. Unlike me, she gets confrontational and obnoxious when drunk (I would do crazy things, but was always a "friendly" drunk).

It is difficult, because my mother can be very supportive and a calming influence, but at the same time her problematic relationship with alcohol has, I believe, affected me negatively from an early age. She has never admitted she does not handle alcohol well. She has apologised a few times for her behaviour the day after, but most times she pretends as if nothing happened.

I haven't told her the full extent of my own problem, partly because I am ashamed to admit it but also because she does not want to hear about it. She downplays my problem when I try to talk about it and when I tell her I want to quit permanently she says things like: well that sounds a bit too dramatic, you don't have problems with alcohol, just take some time off etc.

She is very sensitive to criticism, in general, and especially regarding alcohol or when she has been drinking. She gets very defensive, plays the "martyr" and often answers with criticism. How can I tell her that the way she behaves when drinking makes me anxious, tense and upset? That I worry about the way she drinks and that I don't like who she becomes when drinking?

I want to be more upfront with my family and not withhold things from them, but I am so used to suppressing, pleasing others, turning things inward, keeping a good appearance and pretending everything is fine, I don't know where or how to begin... I don't want to sound as if I am accusing or blaming anyone for my own issues. I just want "healthy honesty" and a respectful and open dialogue.