1Dayatatyme

I am on this forum for the first time. I usually post in other forums, with the Substance Abuse one being my main form of support. I have 53 days clean from opioids, and battled addiction before, My father, who is now dead, was a raging alcoholic and a compulsive gambler. However, out in the world, he was a charming, extrovert.
I think my shame is so ingrained in me that I self-sabotage... like using my prescribed drugs to numb feelings as well as kill pain. My father shamed me over and over as a child for my weight. Then, he sent me to Catholic school where the nun shamed me for being left handed... it was a sin back in the day.

I continue to struggle with shame, and have gone to therapy, read John Bradshaw's book, etc.. and I forget what I learned and revert, at times, to that chubby little left handed girl, so filled with shame I would sit on the sofa frozen, for hours. My mom was unconditionally loving towards me, but she never left my dad in a healthy way.... when she could not stand it she would engage in self harming behaviors and would end up in the hospital.
Yea... shame sucks... how to get externalize it to get past it... I would need to have a leave of absence from work and just work on it... I use care taking and over responsibility to feel good about myself. Then, when i get worn down from stress and exhaustion, I end up using. I think I have some work to do around shame... thank you for this opportunity to share.