Florence

I always hated it when people called it a "codie relapse" and now I think I finally get it.

I've been feeling good, doing well at home and at work, generally detached from the outcomes of my STBXAH's behavior. Yesterday my STBXAH was released from rehab, and I spent the two days leading up to it wound up like a spring. He checked himself in, which I fully supported, after coming to "visit" me and the kids at the house. At that time, he picked up an old cell phone so he could turn it in in rehab and keep his regular smart phone for himself (games, internet, etc). I encouraged him not to do it -- it not only seemed like a bad idea but like a signal that he was not ready to surrender to the program. I still believe this. On his way to rehab he called me a couple of times to "check in" I guess and I encouraged him to do the right thing. He said he would. The phone is still in my name, I still pay the bill (he gives me money), despite trying to get together to change the phone over for months. I should have been more proactive about it.

His parents later revealed that he had called them from the cell phone, which he'd lied to me about, and I thought, you know, I really don't want a front seat to this circus anymore. I was tired of being asked to be complicit with his lying, and punished when I didn't want to do it. Up until recently we were talking about finding a way to reconcile, but I realized it was silly and he wasn't close to ready and I didn't want to wait anymore. I blocked the phone, changed all my social media passwords and took him off my friends lists, and made an appointment with my attorney to file for divorce. When I filed, I felt calm and collected. I know this is the right thing to do.

Still.

It's not just the lying. It's that he still pulls on our heartstrings, me and the kids, to manipulate us. Coming over to "say goodbye" when what he wanted was a prop phone. My feelings were and are hurt, but I have also dragged my feet cutting ties with him and I see how that leaves doors open for him to walk through. I want to close those doors now.

Yesterday he got out of rehab and the phone calls started. I took the phone off of the block with the understanding that we will meet so he can get it put in his (or his parent's -- ha!) name but apparently I didn't do it right and it was still blocked. He called me no less than six times yesterday yelling at me to fix his phone or else he will XYZ. Finally I told him that I wouldn't pick up the phone again for the rest of the night and not to call me. In the meantime, I think I fixed the phone situation, in good faith. I want it out of my name immediately as soon as he is home. If he won't meet with me in good faith, I'm cutting it off and he can figure it out.

He laid into me. In a few short minutes he made it sound like he'd spent the last month in rehab stewing about what a controlling ***** I am. He's amping up the wounded animal factor from my filing for divorce. Of course, this hits all my buttons. Maybe the phone situation was controlling? I'm willing to admit I don't know everything. I am sick of being asked to be responsible for other people's crazy. I have my own crazy to deal with.

I cried and cried last night. It was just exhausting. Some part of me actually thought that this time might be the time he got out stable, humble, with some insight into his behavior and how to get to the life he wants. What was I thinking? Where does this expectation come from? And this is a guy I don't want to be with anymore, in all seriousness, hands down.

Whenever I think I have a handle on understanding this disease, it pops up and surprises me again. Like peeling an onion.