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Old 05-07-2013, 08:19 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Ptcapote
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Originally Posted by Joe Nerv View Post
I always had a belief in a power greater than myself. Never liked the "god" definition I got in catholic grammer school, and had (still have) a rough time believing in a singular all powerful human like image of god who's sitting out there somewhere calling all the shots. I was told early in recovery however that I was going to have to replace the comfort and courage I thought I got from a bottle with something else, and my best bet would be if I could do that with god. And it didn't have to be a god I felt I understood. A "higher power" was good enough, and using the term "god" just made it easier. For me. So I started to pray to god. And it worked. The third step was my first step, and turning it all over to the god of my understanding (or misunderstanding) I know paved the way for the rest of the steps, and the rest of my life.

Yesterday I had to put the first pet I ever was the total caretaker of, to sleep. This cat was my absolute angel. She would hug me and lick my neck when I picked her up, every night she'd climb on my chest and I'd talk with her before going to bed, and then she'd sleep next to me... for 16 years. I never in my life felt a connection with an animal like I did with her, and sparing the details my wife and I had to take her yesterday to her put down before she started to really suffer. I can't even begin to describe the fear and reluctance I felt to be a part of that. I was in fact certain I couldn't be there and watch the life leave her body, and wanted badly to just drop her off to not have to witness it, but I knew I couldn't live with myself if I did. More importantly, I felt she needed me there. I prayed. A lot. Before, during, and after. I held, pet, and gave her love as the life left her. Kissed her head while crying hysterically, and massaged her eyelids closed at the end of it all. I didn't do any of that on my own power, I promise you that.

A friend of mine at work thinks I should "man up" cuz it's ripping me up right now. That same friend has to have at least 4 beers a night, every night, before going to bed, and gets trashed on the weekends. When he put his dog down he was able to numb his feelings with that. I'm grateful that I'm feeling mine for countless reasons, and I am certain it's a power greater than me that I've opened myself up to that's helping me do it. I could go on and on about how this experience is affecting me... it's really really rough, but I'm already seeing the gifts it's bringing. I'll heal. And I'll grow. I have no regrets. I feel good about the fact that I was able to do what I was certain was the right thing to do.

Anyhow... I got a bit OT over here, but right now this is all that's on my mind. Point is, if this is the kind of stuff you're referring to, well... I manage my uncomfortablity thorough prayer, and a belief that there's something out there that's much more powerful, and loving, than me. I don't believe I'd be sober without that. And praying has worked every single time. The fear and/or uncomfortablity didn't always leave, in fact it often stayed... but I always got to the other side of it. And got there sober.
Joe---what an amazing post, it made me cry. Forget "man up," you "angel-ed up" there, my friend. And I agree with you about the benefit of turning it over to something out there that is much more powerful and loving, no matter what you call it. I did it as a kind of a test the first time not thinking it would work and, lo and behold, it did. So I am going with it.

Deepest sympathies on the loss of your cat friend. I am sure as lucky as you were to have her, it very much worked the other way too. Beautiful post again; thank you.
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