@cantorcantus
Your post moved me. I understand completely the love of the numbness. When I'm feeling numb, everything feels really warm and just perfect. From there I like to just sit, and feel things and open up doors to corridors I don't like opening. That's why I always felt it was like a medication to me. People describe similar feelings from meditation, and spirituality.
For me, alcohol makes me look deep inside, self reflect and face things I would run from with pure honesty. Hence the feeling of inner peace. That's why it's so hard to kick, because it all feels right.
It's really really hard. I have tried meditating etc but I can't get in as deeply as I can with alcohol.
It's a cruel world we live in where the one thing we love is ultimately killing us