Bluegalangal

I'm not sure it's evidence of a healthy marriage. But speaking from my own experience, that ten year old is able to see and understand the evidence of her own eyes, and to sort out what is real and what is not. That is a really **** valuable skill, and one that it took me 25 years to learn.

The older the children get, the more they understand and the less can be hidden from them. It is not healthy to undermine and tell them "everything's okay, she didn't mean it" when they can see with their own eyes that everything is not okay and while she said she was sorry, this is the 87th time she's said she was sorry and so clearly she doesn't mean it.

Sadly the relationship and respect between the kid and the parent who lies to them is a casualty of these kinds of situations. Kids don't give respect, as they get older, because they're "supposed" to; you have to earn your kids' respect. You don't earn it by lying, by misleading, by constantly breaking promises, by being inconsistent, rageful... I could go on for paragraphs. You don't get respect just because you're a parent. It would be nice if it worked that way, but the kids aren't five forever.

You don't have to mock the other parent (although I saw it as her honest observation and Mr Hammer just agreeing - my daughter too has a mordant sense of humor) but denying their reality is just as f-ed up as what the alcoholic is doing to you - and to them.

Edit: and the worst part is when you are the "only" adult in the home and you not only have to be the adult, you have to pick up the pieces of your kids' broken hearts when another promise is broken or another rage attack happens, and you have to try to help your kids make sense of it without being disrespectful of the other parent - OR of your kid. And stating reality is NOT necessarily disrespectful.