What you said also strike a chord with me. Two things I specifically want to comment on. My condolences on losing your dad suddenly. I'm not sure if it's easier or harder. I guess on some level I'd been saying goodbye to my dad for years. When the end actually came it was hard but not unexpected. On one level I was glad he didn't have to suffer, and glad my mom didn't have to suffer with him. I feel I was fortunate to have had an inkling that this time he wasn't going to dodge the bullet again as he had so many times before. By the end there was very little left unspoken between us, and I know he died knowing how much I loved him, and how proud I was to have him for a father. On that count, no regrets.
I am experiencing some anxiety about the possibility of losing Mom. Like I said, we all expected Dad was on borrowed time but not Mom. My world would be unmoored without her. But even if the worst was to happen, I know getting drunk won't help anything. And it's the last thing either one of them would ever want, to see me throw my life down the drain.
I can see that I was wrong all those years about drinking. It didn't really numb the pain or stop me from feeling it, it just delayed it, postponed it. Booze doesn't solve any problems, it just kicks the can down the road. As there gets to be more road behind and less ahead you start to realize you can't kick the can much further.