Originally Posted by
Tammy47 
hey Myth.
My dad's second year anniversary is next week. I lost him suddenly, no good byes etc.
I was traumatised and in so much pain - drank wine (lots) for past couple of years (I'm just 2.5 months sober).
Sober now and finally at acceptance stage. I am so grateful my mother is alive and well. Yet I often think what will happen should she die suddenly, or become ill. So reading your post struck a cord with me.
I have thought, if anything happened I'd drink my way through that too. But thankfully now, I genuinely feel that I won't (for the obvious reasons). Good to see you are feeling that way too.
Yep write those thoughts and feelings down. (does no good to bottle em up)
btw, well done on 7 months. I'm still a newbie in comparison. Other than SR do you have any other supports? I'm struggling but am determined.
Best wishes and thankfully your mom has been diagnosed at early stage.
I drank heavily for many years, like so many of us did. But when Dad died I definitely started spiraling downward even faster. It wasn't even just depression, it was more than that. On some level I didn't want to disappoint him; his brother battled alcoholism for many years. After Dad passed I kind of felt like there was no need to hold back, no need to worry about letting him down. One of the last restraints was off and I felt like all was allowed. I spent at least a solid year plastered 7/365, with one exception- I was sober for his funeral.
I don't have any supports besides SR and AVRT. The latter has been a lifesaver. I can't link here but you can Google it. It's been very effective for me. 7 months isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things but I feel like 7 months or 7 decades, I'm in control again. There's no way I can drink in moderation, long experience has proven that. But the Beast can't force me to pick up that first one. As long as I don't start it doesn't matter that I can't stop. I don't really have cravings or and I don't allow myself the luxury of even fantasizing about drinking much. In my mind that's off the table, not a part of my reality any more.
By the same token, I understand now that I have a choice. I can't drink in moderation, but if I wanted to I could always start drinking like a fish again. All it will cost me is my self control, my dignity, my livelihood and eventually my life. If I ever start again it will be because I no longer care if I live or die. I don't mean that in a bad way; I'm not depressed or anything. But as an atheist, if there was ever a point that I had nothing to live for and didn't care if I lived or died, at that point it wouldn't matter if I drank or not.
Of course, I love life! So long as we're alive, there's hope. Always something new to learn and another experience to have. When I was drinking life was a monotonous trudge from hangover to hangover. Things are so much better sober!