WhyIsThisMyLife

In 2006, I made my one and only post here talking about my desire to stop drinking. I was encouraged to stop, so early in my drinking, but I didn't.

Now where am I? I've had two children and continued my descent into the bottle. I've tried to stop a few times and at this point, I'm a binge drinker. I start and continue for a couple of days until I'm too sick to continue. If my liquor is cut off, I've been known to sink to drinking mouthwash or rubbing alcohol. (i realize the extreme danger of that now and hope never to sink that low again.). I keep drinking until Im too sick to continue. A couple of times, I've become so dehydrated I've passed out. I've been hospitalized three times and in mental health wards twice. Despite this, my drinking has not been discovered by my doctors and I need to maintain discretion. That is not up for discussion. I have personal reasons that could create me and my family serious issues. I realize this is a life and death situation, but still need to do it this way.

In addition, I have developed addictions to prescription pain meds and kratom (an herb that gives similar results as opiates.). I have physical addictions to codeine. I have psychological addictions to everything else.

This is basically how I am, I am very compulsive. If I am given say a benzodiazepine for anxiety, I will compulsively take it until its gone. Often 60 pills in three days or so. Right now, I might drink twice a month. It's not my choice, due to the illness it creates and it makes me do stupid things. So, due to an illness that I have, I get 110 Tylenol 3 and 110 vicodin es per month on the first and 15th. I get the t3 and go through them in a week. Then I take kratom (very expensive) until 15th. Then I go through the vicodin in a week. Back to the kratom. If there is a day when I don't have anything, I might drink or I will get some kava kava and take that. On days when I have nothing, I don't suffer physically (even though physically addicted to codeine, it only causes stomach cramps and diarrhea). I suffer greatly mentally though! I go through depression, boredom and anxiety. I try not to order the kratom due to the costs, but end up ordering more. I lay in bed at night, stressed and restless. During the day, I'm unable to work. I'm bored and I'm cranky. I yell at my children while trying to fight my cravings. Generally, I crave and order more kratom. Until that comes, I cope with kava (which I hate the taste of) or alcohol. Probably within the last five months, I have not gone three straight days without one of my substances.

I'm tired and I'm done. I already basically loathe alcohol and now, I am tired of my life being defined by a bottle of pills or FedEx bringing my herbal substance. I don't know what it is about sobriety that bothers me. I don't feel "high/euphoric" from pills or herbs. What I do when I have the drugs is take them and sit in my room, searching the Internet, sleeping, nodding out. It doesn't remove my anxiety or worry. I often have panic attacks, thinking I've taken too much of the narcotic or the Tylenol and my liver will fail. It keeps me isolated. When I have it, I can't wait to get home and go off to myself. Last night, I had family over and I wanted them to leave, so I could use. It's sad when I feel lonely so much. I know basically I want to sleep and escape the everydayness and boredom of day to day living. I know I am just ungrateful. My life is not that bad. The worse thing that I have and causes me the most anxiety is the drug alcohol problem!

Anyway, I'm back and I've decided to seek 30 days of abstinence. Let me admit, I have some pills and kratom, but more than likely it will be gone by tomorrow or Tuesday. I've tried to stop before, but now setting goals and being proactive. First, I now have a Higher Power. I am a prior atheist, but now believe that Jesus is my Savior. I have been praying to Him for deliverance. I just want the miracle. Freedom without struggling or suffering. I know I should be grateful that I am for the most part not physically addicted to these substances. It is the psychological addiction that gets me. I feel why shouldn't I take a drink or pill? It is also very hard for me to suffer when I know I can do something about it. It will soon be time for a new refill. All it takes is a call. I may get funny looks from pharmacy staff, but they will fill it.

I really need help with the boredom and feeling like I "deserve" to use. I need to learn Gratefullness and being happy where I am now. I also need to realize that I am not my thoughts and to stop reacting to my thoughts. That is the cause of my life long anxiety disorder. I have been trying to meditate (sometimes using scriptures). I think what I really need is something to do when the cravings are very strong and I DEFINITELY need to learn coping skills. I am trying to ensure I have some plan in affect. Is there anyone who will be my sponsor? I'm not going to AA meetings, but I think working the 12 steps might help. Right now, I may not be at a point where I can help others with advice, but I can pray and I hope one day to be able to give back.

Thanks so much! God bless to all! I wish you all the best in your recovery!