Paul, it sounds like you're doing some really useful soul-searching here. It sounds to me like you really dislike the person you are and yet you lack the impetus to make changes in your life. So, you're stuck in a vicious cycle. You need to step out of the cycle and do things for yourself. You're making a start, but take hold of your life and make it what you want it to be. Follow your heart and your dreams and make changes and choices in your life that will bring you satisfaction and happiness.
You really need to start liking and loving yourself.
