Originally Posted by
shauninspain 
I was very similar to you Paul, in that no matter how bad things got, or how atrocious I behaved, nothing seemed to be bad enough to give me that moment of clarity. For years I had a succession of rock bottoms, each one worse than the last. Lost all my relationships to alcohol and was financially ruined. I was in and out of AA for ten years. On returning to AA I would see people who had come into the fellowship, long after my first meetings, and I would wonder how they did it. They would be 6 months or 6 years sober and I would be on day 1 yet again. It drove me to tears many times. So I had to ask myself a few questions.
Firstly, why was I wanting to stop drinking. That was fairly easy to answer. Because I was sick of feeling physically, mentally and emotionally ill. I was tired of the police and the courts, and desired to be an ordinary member of society. However, I had to be honest, and concluded that I wanted to negative effects of my drinking to stop. However, I didn't/couldn't imagine actually stopping consuming alcohol.
In effect, I wanted to take a drug, but didn't want the negative consequences associated with it.
I then asked my self if I valued my life, and if I valued being alive. I had to conclude that the scary answer was that I really didn't care if I lived or died. That if someone came to me and told me that I had 48 hours left, I wouldn't be particularly concerned. Indeed in some ways I would welcome an end to it all.
This second realization confirmed why I continued to drink, and why nothing seemed to be bad enough for me to commit to sobriety. If I wasn't particularly fussed whether I lived or not, I would therefore never reach the point of stopping. Only people who want to live hit a rock bottom and say, enough if this.
Therefore, it has been my case that stopping drinking has not been the most important part of my recovery. The vital element (and the key to remaining sober) has been for me to learn to like and value myself. I know that sounds terribly corny, but if I don't like myself, and don't care about myself, I might as well go to the shop right now and but a bottle. And I'm not talking about liking my life (my job, house, girlfriend etc etc etc), all of those things are just spokes on the wheel. They all revolve around me, and me around them. But I need to feel that I am worth it, that I am of some value TO MYSELF.
I am getting there, slowly. It's not something that has (in my case) changed overnight. But I have a small sense of self worth today, that I never had before.
Maybe you are similar, and that if you really get honest with yourself, the element that you are missing (and thus preventing you from staying sober), is that you have very low self worth.
If someone told you today that you had 48 hours left, how would you feel about your own non-existance?
This is very interesting and I thank you for taking the time to respond. Right now, I feel like I wouldn't care if I had 48 hours left, I would actually say thank goodness. But that feeling changes with my mood. I just go up and down. I'll develop a mood where I value life and I'm just so excited about my future... I set up my plans, I have epiphanies, deep down in my soul I believe this is the time that I'm going to make my life right... but that feeling happens multiple times a year. I cut down my drinking, I work out, I spend more time with my family, I work harder, etc. Then the cycle just constantly repeats itself. Today I feel like I want the world to end, tomorrow I might feel like the world has just begun and I'm going to savor every second of my existence.
I recently went to a psychiatrist because my ex convinced me I should and truthfully I did it because I thought I could get her back. In the meeting with the psych she told me I had a mild case of borderline personality disorder. I then did research on the disorder and it explains so much. I'm not using it as an excuse, just more of knowledge of how my mind works and interprets things.
And I'm starting to piece the puzzle together. And the thing that's pathetic is it didn't come from childhood neglect or abuse. It's the complete opposite. I was incredibly spoiled, my father did everything for me. If I got in trouble he would bail me out, if I needed money he would loan me money. I was so pathetic that I didn't even fill out a college application. My dad picked the school he thought I should go to, filled out the application, paid for my ticket, and I simply just took off to college. The only knowledge I had of the school was a little reading on their website. It was a private school and I had the best time of my life. But I started gambling, drinking, doing incredibly stupid things... and every time I would call my dad to bail me out. When I graduated they got me my first job, they bought me a 2 story, 4 bedroom, 3 car garage house just because I begged for it. The ironic thing is now after 5 years, they live with me and I love it! I was so depressed living here by myself! Having my parents here is amazing. I'm a 28 year old child.
My psych asked me what was the thing I feared most. The only answer I have is I fear losing my father. In my head I feel like I would instantly kill myself if my dad died. Just last year when I was unemployed I lost $7,000 with a local bookie... and had to call my dad to bail me out. Every time he bails me out. And I'm always getting myself in situations that I need help. I'm always looking for things to help me, to do things for me. I couldn't even clean the house or mow the lawn. I had a maid and lawn service... I didn't shovel the driveway. I only do things if my mom tells me I have to do them. I'm completely useless. We have this thing called the PFD where the state gives you a check from $880-$2000. All you have to do is drive down to the state building and fill out some paperwork. For four years I was too lazy to drive down and fill out the paperwork. Sarah Palin even gave the state a special extra $1500 one year. I missed out on $6,000 simply because no one could do it for me. I'm just a spoiled nut job. I have some inner problems where I constantly am trying to reach rock bottom. It got to the point where my dad had to take over my finances and I was getting an allowance of my OWN money. I was making over $120k a year at the time and I had nothing to show for it because I gambled it all away and still needed money from my dad.
I realize I have serious psychological issues. This stuff is not what normal people do. I feel like I have been getting better. I'm maturing a little bit, I've been paying all my bills on my own, filled out the PFD paperwork, did my taxes on time, etc, etc. Like I feel like I came to an epiphany responding to you. You are 100% correct, the problem is me! I don't value myself, I don't do things for myself... I simply just rely on substances or people to do everything for me. I feel like a pathetic human being that no one can ever love. Just stupid emo stuff like that. Like just typing that stuff makes me embarrassed. I need to take ownership of my own life. I need to learn to do things for me and be independent. How I'm going to accomplish that I have no clue right now. But I'm realizing exactly what you said... the key to this whole thing is not the alcohol. The reason I can't get myself to quit is because deep down inside I want to feel this pain. My objective self knows that I need to stop and that it's killing me but my inner side wants to wake up with a hangover and feel like I need "help". I broke up with my ex probably 50 times in 3 years. My previous girlfriends were the same. I'm a black and white borderline psycho that goes from one extreme to the next to sabotage myself in order to need help.
Damn, this actually made me feel very very good. The battle goes on. The one thing I will say to those that were here a year ago. Not all is lost. Even though I still am drinking, I made a tremendous amount of strides personally since coming here a year ago and all the help you guys provided. I still focus on getting out of the house, I still go to the gym, I'm hanging out with friends, talking to old friends, doing things with my family, etc. I'm no longer just sitting in my room 24 hours a day drinking. But I'm STILL drinking. And it's slowly bringing me back to that very dark place I was a year ago.