Yes, very hard to let go. Thank you for sharing your story, it is therapeutic.
All I have to do is think about your mess, then I remember that I am just starting to crawl out of a hole and have a long ways to go myself.
I've been to one or two AA meetings with my inlaw, who ruined an absolutely perfect, undreamed of future and family with his heavy heavy drinking. He had so many lapses we lost count. He has been dry about 10 years now. The AA meetings I attended were very low key and people were friendly. Might be time for you to check it out, with a friend if necessary, maybe even your ex. Someone to help give you the support to get over the initial discomfort.
Good luck Paul! Hey there, I'm 14 days sober. You'll make it too.
Yogiebare