madisonblake...
i understand completely what you are going through. i could have written your post as i have had the same or similar discussions with my ex many times. i have also thought i had legitimate and even important reasons to contact him when i knew deep down it was not headed to a good place. i would not get what i "wanted" out of the conversation, he would be given more opportunity to say things that hurt me and made me doubt myself, and i would leave the experience feeling even worse than before i made contact.
i think you commented on one of my other posts that my ex said things word for word that yours said. well, in this post, i see the very same thing. it's a script, has to be. i don't know where they get it, i don't know why they all seem to say the same things, but it's all crap. i've also had the imaginary boyfriends...so i understand that too. smokescreens, flipping the blame, making us feel we're nuts...
hang in there. do whatever you can to stay away from contacting him. listen to your sister:
"My sister and I hung out today thank god. We talked about this all. She had watched me in this roller coaster for three years. I read all these texts and she just wanted to shake me and say wake up! All she could say was before this guy you were the strongest and most independant woman all of us have ever met. Why have you let him take over this part of who you were. She's right. "
i feel i am talking to you like i should be talking to myself. i don't feel "qualified" to give advice or whatever. but i can understand and relate to what you're going through and it sucks and it's hard and it is totally our way of relapsing.
i have been trying to work from a walk to a run when i take my dog out. i hurt my foot recently and i don't know how--sprained or tore something... anyway, if i go right back to the woods and start running again on this foot, i make it worse. i don't give it any chance to heal. i think, oh, it's healed enough, it will be ok, i can handle it. but then i get home from that run and it hurts more because i didn't stay off it, i didn't care for it, i didn't give it enough time to heal, which it definitely WILL if i let it, but definitely won't if i keep doing what i know hurts it. i think you see my point?
hang in there, madisonblake...and know that you are worth so much more than what this man has to offer you.