We don't kill our wounded here. I relapsed so many times I couldn't count them.
Even with solemn vows and throwing booze away, it always came back. That craving and the search for a drunk that would feel like the old days before I crossed that line into alcoholism.
My only hope was total abstinance, and I've found that now. Man, I joined here five and a half years ago and have two years four months sober, so you're not alone.
Don't give up. Remember how you feel now. Think of where that first drink will lead you.
Best to you.