Old 05-05-2013, 03:56 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
madisonblake
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
I feel horrible and could use encouragement today

So I did reach out to my ex again for the money he owed me. Of course he ignored my email. I took block off phone and called him. Was not angry. Told him I just wanted him to pay me back for the money he owed me. $800 is alot of money. No response. This comes from the guy who was begging me to talk to him but when it came to paying back money I'm ignored. So it turned into text drama.

He said he would mail me a check Monday. I simply said thanks that's all I was waiting for. (Was it really that hard to send a response a week ago? It's like he was using it as a way to have me have to contact him again)

I told him I hope he chooses the right path for himself and doesn't continue to choose drugs and I wouldn't continue to contact him. It felt like a waste of three years of my life. Response: "I have no regrets. Our relationship was over the second you chose to see another man" (I am being accused of having another boyfriend!!! Have no clue what he's talking about. I wish I did). It went in to " I feel good about my life. Nothing lasts forever. I look forward to changes. I'm not angry or sad about it. Just focused on the future"

It made me feel horrible. Not sure why. It's like hey it wasn't drug addiction lies and treating you like garbage that ended this it was apparently me and my imaginary boyfriend. I'm being blamed for everything at this point. And he just feels so great and focused and happy now.

I should have just not responded but I did and just told him everything he was saying is a lie and he's making it all up. I dont buy that someone called and told him these things about me. That he knows what ended our relationship and it wasnt my imaginary boyfriend. That the only reason he is saying that is because he needed a good story to tell his family and friends to paint me black vs owning up to his relapses.

Of course two minutes later it turns into......I do love you. It would be impossible not to still have those feelings. Last week when I emailed you I was trying to hang on to something. I realized i would make it worse. I'm sorry for letting you down. I feel better because I've been clean for two weeks. It's not something to be that proud of but taking it one day at a time. I say I have no regrets because if I start thinking of the past it will eat me up and I will go right back to using. I've tried to escape myself so many times by doing drugs. I was just driving you crazy at the end so I know I needed to stay away and stop emailing you. I just told myself if you did meet someone else I had it coming. I'm trying not to fall and let my emotions get the best of me. On and on.

At this point I was trying to be nice. He actually had clarity. Just said if someone really did tell him those things it's a lie. I hope he stays on the right path. I know I needed to stay away because things got worse and worse each time we got together. That i did love him and wished him well.

Finally he admits he knows my imaginary boyfriend isn't what ended things but it's easy to stay away from people but its hard not seeing me. He missed me. Sorry he let me down for things that were not real and drugs. I just told him this was starting to upset me and my family was in town. I just wanted it all to stop. I could not sit back an pretend to buy into all this. I was not mean to him. All I said is i was sorry but I can't buy all this BS about some imaginary story he made up about me. I wish I could believe him. I wished him well in life. Told him to not hold on to regret. Hoped for him that he would stay on a good path. I thanked him for sending money he owed me (we will see if it ever comes) and just said its best for us to not be in contact for awhile.

His response became angry."I don't expect you to believe anything I have to say its all garbage. Please don't say good luck or anything to me! ill send Your money ok. Please don't ever contact me again. Nothing good will ever come of it!!!"

I remained calm. Promised him I would not contact him again. I just asked for the money he owed me and that was only reason why I contacted him today. I still wished him well and told him I was putting blocks back up. Thanked him again for mailing my check.

I do not know why I feel like such utter crap right now. I barely slept all night. Have tossed and turned thinking back to all the craziness. It's almost surreal. Like a bad dream. Today's texts may not seem like a big deal to you all but why did it make me feel like this?? It's like he was trying passive aggressively to say sorry but now that you're gone I've been sober for two weeks and I feel great! No regrets here honey bunny. Sorry but just have a great future ahead if me now that you're gone. Leave me alone. You're just bringing me down. Huh?!?! Am I missing something here? I just need some encouragement. Need to just shake this off.

My sister and I hung out today thank god. We talked about this all. She had watched me in this roller coaster for three years. I read all these texts and she just wanted to shake me and say wake up! All she could say was before this guy you were the strongest and most independant woman all of us have ever met. Why have you let him take over this part of who you were. She's right.

Urgh. I need to get some sleep. Am rambling. Just looking for a little insight and encouragement.
madisonblake is offline