I really outdid myself last night. My friends and I went out to dinner and had plans to stay at a hotel and do a half marathon this morning. I thought I could manage a few drinks. This led to me drinking a lot and making a complete idiot out of myself. Ticked off my best friend. She said she's "done with me" and left the hotel. I ended up calling a taxi to take me home because I couldn't face riding home with my other friends this morning. This was a $200 cab ride home. Ended up not doing the race on top of it because I was too hung over.
My friend will eventually come around, but right now she's not speaking to me and won't take my calls or respond to my texts.
I feel like complete dirt and I really hate myself right now. I am 40 years old and acted like an idiot. I don't even remember most of the night and woke up at 3:00 am in my room riddled with anxiety. I won't drink today or tonight, but I really want to, just to make everything go away for a bit.
I find myself with very high anxiety and worry today. I am worried about what my future holds if I don't stop drinking. I've not really lost anything but respect and self esteem due to my drinking. I do know that I have a lot to lose. I have two great kids, great family, beautiful home, nice vehicles, awesome job. I am making my life a mess.
I just wanted to put this out there. I appreciate your words. I just feel so fragile right now.