peanutter

I am feeling pretty ashamed of myself for having to post that I am only 19 days clean off marijuana when I first went to rehab over thirty years ago. But that was for over eating.

And then there was AA. But I can just have two drinks and put it down so I am not really an alcoholic.

Then Al Anon.. but after the second marriage to an alcohlic, I just avoid relaitonships.

Children of Alcoholics was the hardest work I ever did.

The bipolar diagnosis has been the hardest to accept. They say that being bipolar is like having a tumor in your brain that spits out cocaine. And I am mostly manic. And the pot really keeps me hypo manic so all through the years and years of treatment, i held onto the pot. Saying it was harmless. Saying it was not addictive. Saying it was a medicine. I used to grow it at home.

But in the last two years.. now here in the Dominican Republic, I have been smoking stuff that was way stronger than the gentle stuff I grew at home. Finally I saw that I was living almost completely in an alternative reality. I ended up twice hospitalized. Went right back to the pot.

Something clicked in. And 19 days ago I stopped the pot and went back to AA.. even though it is hard here since it is a Spanish speaking country and I am not fluent. But i am really glad to be back in the rooms.

I went back to the therapist. Back to the shrink. Back on the meds. Both of them are really excited that I am clean and willing to FINALLY be clean and sober and follow the prescription,.

I toyed with the idea that it was just the pot that had put me over the top. But had to crumble when my therapist just looked at me and said

"you are bipolar. It is chemical imbalance in the brain. It will not get better without medication. But with medication, you can lead a wonderful life"

Anyway, at the age of 66 now, I hope that at the very least I can be a bad example to some of the others who are younger dual diagnosed.

thanks for being here... i have been enjoying reading your posts..

since I am still in withdrawal (yeah, who knew? never had them before, sweats chills nausea, diarhea, no appetite) and have social anxiety and not much of a life and spend my time now on the internet.

my fictional life was really INTERESTING.. my reality is pretty boring.

but hopefully the meds will kick in soon and I will feel better

thanks again