It's hard to pinpoint just one moment..but two things really stick out.
The first was when I found myself standing in the middle of our living room screaming at my exah because he had relapsed AGAIN. Although really, looking back, it probably wasn't a relapse because he never found recovery. He didn't need it. He was terminallly unique. Oh my Gosh, all those conversations that went round and round and round about his drinking. So many 'relapses'. Some made me sad. Some made me angry. But this one that I'm talking about in particular made me downright crazy. I stood in the middle of that livingroom screaming at the top of my lungs. My hands were shaking. I felt my heart racing. I was afraid I might have a heart attack or stroke. I felt completely and totally out of control. And just at that moment, my son (who was 12 at the time) turned the corner and he looked at me with a look of real fear in his eyes. I had to run and lock myself in the bathroom. I dropped to my knees and surrendered. I realized that my exah's drinking and my battle against it was turning me into a very sick woman. And the one thing I valued most about myself...the fact that I'm a good, loving mom, was in question because my illness....my obsession with fixing him...my seething anger....were all getting in the way of my being the mom and the woman I know I am meant to be. At that very moment, I was forced to surrender for the sake of my sanity and the wellbeing and emotional health of our son.
The second most powerful moment was when I did my 4th step and then shared it with my sponsor in step 5. For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.