I can relate to that, I really can. Trying to wrap my mind around something that has me by my.... well you get the point. Fighting my addiction is like trying to control the wind. I can change it's direction with some effort, I can hide from it for a short time, I can do a few things, but at the end of the day it's still there, and there's nothing that I can do to truly do anything to it. My addiction was my higher power for a long time. It was the motivation behind many of my actions, it controlled my beliefs. My perspective on life was defined by it. Today it doesn't have to be that way, and it doesn't have to for you either. You have surrendered to your addiction every time you picked up again. Every time you put a drug in your body or acted because of your craving for drugs, you surrendered yet again.
So what is stopping you from surrendering from something that can defeat your addiction one day at a time? Is it ego? The long held belief that you are strong enough? If you truly want to engage in single handed combat against your addiction once again, I won't do or say anything to try and stop you. You have that right. But consider, before you do, that there are many programs and different things out there that will be there to fight that craving for you, to be your defense against the next use.
I truly hope that the best happens for you, and that you don't have to be a slave to drugs as I was for many a year.