Hello, and welcome.
You're not being negative, alcohol is doing negative things to you.
I know where you're coming from, after that first drink, I had no control over the amount I would consume. This went on for twenty years.
Now, I think of that first drink and where it'll lead me. Jail, an institution or death.
You've been to AA. Why not try it again? There are many types of meeetings and people and they're all there for the same reason.
I hope you don't reach the low that I did. I hit bottom many times, but bounced back to drinking. It took help from my higher power to finally stop.
Whatever you choose I wish you the best. Come here and read and post as often as you like. You'll find different ways we got sober and learn and be reminded of the misery of it all by those in your plight.