Originally Posted by
Thumper 
I did not have any 'recovery' before I filed for divorce. I had wanted to leave for a long time (years) but things happened and as time progressed my thinking got even more toxic and unhealthy. I was so mired down. There were four things that led to me talking to a lawyer. The lawyer told me to go to al-anon and I also found SR that night and then my recovery began. It was a rough road.
6mos prior I had told him that he needed to stop drinking so much and if he needed help to do that he should get it. It wasn't OK with me to raise our boys like that. Of course he agreed but nothing changed. That summer he was mowing and three of my boys were trailing after him pretending to mow. A perfect visual of them walking in his footsteps. Then all three walked over to the cooler and pretended to drink a beer. Tears came to my eyes it was so sad. Then we went on vacation together later that summer and he was drunker than usual the entire time. It was terrible terrible terrible. I was in a very very dark place. Very shut down, depressed, and hopeless. I've never been so tired. My cousin gave me a hug as we left and said "My heart is breaking for you. If you ever need anything call me."
That comment was like a bolt. How did my life end up being heartbreaking? It pissed me off and opened my eyes to about half of what I had been ignoring (the rest would come with more recovery). Within a week of being home I had filed for divorce and found daycare for my babies.
After that decision had been made I had a lot of recovery to work through and that part is mostly documented here at SR. It was hard. One conversation that helped me know in my head that I was strong enough to keep walking through this was when he said something along the lines of "you'll be sorry. I'll be sober and successful and you'll have nothing when you could have had everything we dreamed of." He was still drinking then (relapsed after rehab) and saying that he'd stop drinking if I promised to stay. It was so clear to me in that moment and I simply said "I'd rather have a sober ex husband than a drunk current husband." and I really really really meant it.
Hang in there Liz. I waited so long to leave (and was so confused with such unhealthy thought patterns) that it was more about saving myself then leaving a bad situation. You are smart to do some recovery first. Keep walking though, don't get stuck.
Your last quote stuck out at me. I told my husband almost the same thing. If you can only be sober out of my life and out of this relationship, I would rather have you alive, sober and happy than with me in this marriage.
And I realized, jesus, my even saying this is so co-dependant. And I don't mean that in a bad way. But, I should have told him that I deserve more than to have a drunk husband and I am not doing it anymore.
That's how screwed up our thinking can get. And I do mean it: If something in our relationship triggers him to drink, then our relationship needs to end.
What I think is happening is that he is not following any sort of program, and thus not learning how to live a sober life. But, that is not my fault, nor my problem anymore. He has to figure it out on his own.
And now I need to figure out why I was OK with it for 10 years. (Alanon meetings)