Hahahahaha! No, no you are not the only one, there is at least one other person who does this - me. I'm not laughing at you either, I'm most definitely laughing with you. I sometimes laugh at myself when I'm doing it and ask myself if I'm having conversations with ghosts.
Because no matter how many ways I rehearse the conversation, it never ever goes how I rehearsed it. I'm Management, which means I occasionally have to fire people. Not often, thank heavens, but sometimes. That will drive me to talking to myself in the car for days!! The last time I had to do it, I talked to myself for three days straight, rehearsing "every possible outcome." Except that I didn't rehearse having things thrown at me. And I wasn't expecting a 15 minute monologue where the ex-employee (who I had the honor of escorting out of the building) called me just about every name in the urban dictionary for male or female genitalia.
Recently, I resigned from a volunteer position with a community outreach group because of mismanagement by the higher-ups. I didn't have time to rehearse any of that because it happened so quickly.
Y'know what? No matter how much I do or don't rehearse, the outcome always ends up the same. The person gets fired (then lists me as a reference!!), I resigned, the end was still the same. I allow myself to rehearse because in each scenario, it allows me to ask "and what tools will you need if they do X?" Not that I'll necessarily need those tools, but it brings them back into the fore of my mind.
Rehearsing isn't bad in and of itself. It's what you do with it that counts. Your psyche is giving you the chance to reinforce healthy behaviors. When you rehearse, ask yourself what tools you would use. If the rehearsing is only an exercise in further panic, it is unhealthy. If you use it to also practice your recovery tools, it's healthy. The rehearsing is not the problem.
If you include rehearsing your tools and skills, you'll find that it calms you down. There are those in the world who thrive on conflict. I am not one of them. So any form of conflict is going to agitate me. What I do with that agitation is up to me. Because of my rehearsing, I was able to stay calm during the firing I mentioned above, and during the subsequent administrative trial it brought about (at the employee's instigation). I had all my tools in easy reach and I used them all.
I don't know if it's possible to never rehearse. It's one way that we can prepare ourselves. But if we include our tools in our rehearsal, it can help calm us down (by feeling prepared) AND it can help us be ready for the next thing that gets sprung on us by keeping our tools in good repair.
I say keep on rehearsing. And practice those tools - the more you use them (in a real conversation or in 'rehearsal'), the better you'll get with them!
Gin