I remember a turning point in joint counseling when my AH said to me "you're not going to tell me what to do." And I said "do whatever you want, and I will do what I need to do." And I meant it. I think it was the first time ever he just sat there with his mouth open and didn't say anything. I was also surprised because I don't think I ever really believed that I couldn't control him until that moment.
L