Welcome Endra!
Frankly, I really admire your honesty and yes, self-awareness too. I relate very much to that push-pull between complete abstinence (which I don't seem able to sustain) and / or what's called 'harm reduction'. That approach is used a lot here in Aus, the UK too I think...and in the States there's a website called the HAMS Network. HAMS stands for Harm (reduction), Abstinence and Moderation Support.
SR is of course focused on Abstinence, fair and square. Although many posters and readers try and try for that goal, sometimes for years. SR is great for not shunning those of us who are ambivalent, who relapse, or who are simply trying to work out what we are!
Just out of interest: you say you began using at age 13...what's your age now? (roughly if you don't care to divulge :-). You also note that you've got this sort of harm reduction thing working now for about 5 years (was it?). As you observe with such clarity - and this part reminds me completely of a friend of mine - the pull towards keeping that going is as a means to get into a certain kind of 'chemical / musical / existential space'. Nicely put. My friend is clear about that too, although she also totally supports my erratic efforts to stop and stay sober for good.
We're all so different, aren't we? Still, I imagine the very fact you've joined SR and posted says something about perhaps that niggle at the back of our minds - even those who haven't gone entirely to rock bottom!
I doubt I've given you any clarity at all, but more of a 'welcome, and I understand'.
Oh, and PS: what on earth is 'kratom'? Never heard of it!