Hello... I am addict. Cannot get sober.
I cannot get sober.
I want to, kinda. Mostly. Sometimes. Usually.
There is no doubt I have the disease. Addiction has been present in my life since age 13. I do not want this disease. It almost killed me twice. Some cycles have been truly terrible. Traumatic. I have blocked them out.
Right now, I am a relatively successful addict. Drinking beer or wine along with a mild herbal opiate kratom for a good buzz two or three times a week. Up to 5 drinks and a few spoons of kratom. That is great progress from far worse drugs and cycles. Thats the routine for several years now. Its been functional and manageable for the most part.
But I know it would be so great and freeing to be able to give up all and live happily sober. Just does not seem possible for me. I KNOW I am an addict. I KNOW its a disease. I KNOW I would be better off, helathier, and happier of a person to have it under control and fully in check. But I cannot get sober for the life of me.
The sex drugs and rock and roll seduce me every time. Every time I try, I go a few days or maybe weeks and give in. Its the longing for the chemical/musical/existential space that the substances help get me into that pulls me in every time. I just do not get there without them. So as spiritual as I am, the moderate using I have managed seems so much more appealing in the end despite some quite unpleasant and annoying consequences.
I am always on the up and striving to be a better person. It would be nice to be more free clear and sober in lifestyle.
Maybe talking with others more will afford some emotional clarity strength and insight. So here I am, introducing myself.