my situation is similar..my fiance left me he has 31/2 years clean..and i just keep relapsing its extremly hard for me also to stay clean. my liver is enlarged from drinking. i now throw up blood if i drink.. but we need to realize this disease is killing us, and were loosing people we love. i miss my ex so much. he means more to me then using. and you seem to love yours as well. medical detox is wonderful if you have insurance. also there is a pill your doctor can prescribe you, it helps you so if you drink it will make your body sick..so you wont choose to drink. its called antabuse..i wish you well you can do it!!!