First & foremost you are in my Prayers.
Anyone that really is an alcoholic, truly whole heartedly understands your frustration & fear over this.
I honestly needed treatment to quict, but not all people do. I would strongly urge you to pick up the BigBook, start with Bill W's story. See if you can relate? Then know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are people out there that want to help you, that can help you!