Just want to find peace
My alcoholic boyfriend who also is being treated for bipolar broke up with me 5 months ago. We had been together for 3 years and talking about a future. The break up was out of the blue and at first I was concerned he was manic. Well, the last five months have been on and off again and ended again this last Monday. I am trying NC, but it is hard. He says very confusing things like how I am his bf, he is very attracted to me, he will always love me, he wants me in his life, and he feels emotionally connected to me. He wants a bigger life and to move away and says he wants to date around. It is hard to hear and I can't help but feel very rejected. I feel like my best was not good enough.
I can't move with him because I have shared custody of my two children. We live in a small city in the Midwest. My ex feels he should live somewhere more exciting like Portland. He also says he hopes to fall in love again. He suppose to move back to his hometown to live with his parents and save $$ for his move, but instead is moving closer to me for the next 6 months. He texted me asking if I was happy he was closer. I said why does it matter if we are not together. He seems to think we are going to be the best of friends. I feel if he doesn't value me enough to commit then he isn't much of a friend.
Another side note I recently learned he dabbled in coke and oxycontin last weekend. He used to do those things, but quit. He also smokes pot.
Despite this I can't help feeling like a loser. Like my life is small and unassuming compared to the excitement he wants to chase. Out there some woman (or women) will hold his interest and make him want to do the work for her. She will have the freedom to keep up with him.
I also feel angry because he knew my situation from the get go. I feel like he set me up for heartbreak. Here I value him and our relationship to fight for us and he doesn't value me enough to stick it out. It also hurts because it's like getting rid of me is the one good choice he sees himself making in the midst of all these other bad choices that he fails to recognize. I suck that much is how it feels. He rather drink alone than be with me. He'd rather chat online than be with me his supposed bf. Ugh I feel I will never get over this and feel good about myself again. Please help. P.S. Yes I am in therapy and a support group for bipolar.